Numb
by 0XOX Walking Flame
Summary: I've actually written this one a long time ago, and just edited it recently. It's pretty sad.


Hey, I haven't written for a long long time. I've actually written this a long time ago, but saved it on my computer because I thought I was kind of stupid. But I edited it. I think it's better now. Please read and review.

* * *

Jesse has been ignoring me-again-lately. I tell you, Jesse's got some anger management.

Maybe he's still mad at me about taking lessons from Paul. It was for the best, but I couldn't tell _him_ that, it was like some kinda men's pride or something. So he can't even talk to me anymore. Isn't life great?

"How's school Susannah" he would ask me everyday when I come home.

"It's fine" I shrugged trying to look bothered by the way he doesn't care.

"How's Slater" he finally looked up from the book that he was reading.

"Fine" I grinned, trying to make my voice clear and even.

"In fact Susannah, I do think that we need to talk" he eyed me, smiling unevenly.

I took a seat next to him. Smiling casually. Thumbing me hair behind my ears. "I really _don't_ feel like talking Jesse." I was still smiling though. And he was too, just not as dumbly. He looked more relaxed at the fact that I was smiling and doing all the talking. Well, babbling.

"You know I care about you, right" he held my hand. I was caught off guard.

"Sure, yeah, uh huh" my voice was unevenly and squeaky.

"I really do care about you, Susannah" he was not longer smiling. Smile Jesse _smile_! God, I got this freak holding my hand who was acting all serious and wouldn't even crack a smile at me. I was still grinning, trying to ignore him. "And that's why I don't-I"

"Jesse" I said slowly.

"I don't think that this is going to work out. Because I care too much." He quickly pulled his hand away. What! Was he afraid that I'd slap his hand or something? Oh, believe me Jesse, if I was to slap something. It wouldn't be your hand.

"Oh." I stared at the blank wall. That was all I could say. That was all I did say. I felt a teardrop rolling down my cheek. I quickly retrieved my hand, brushing it away.

"I'm sorry Susannah. Believe me, I really am. I never"

I started again. "I never really did" I turned my gaze toward him. My eyes were ice cold, and they were stinging in pain. "Think that it was going to work."

I numbly stood up, without a fight. Because I knew that I lost anyway. And walked away.

I was sure that Jesse came at night and took Spike with him. Not that it mattered to me anyway.

"I don't think I've changed that much" I stared, staring at the wall in Father D's office. "Not since he's left. But all day long, Cee keeps saying that I'm so numb now, I can't hear anything she said. I've never listening to her, or anybody. I mean, yeah, she might be right." It was like as if I was chanting, my throat was clogged.

"Hmm..." Father D was thinking.

I continued. "I really don't think Jesse had that much of an impact on me. I'm not stupid anymore. Of course I have feelings. But I'll get over it one day."

I felt something materialize behind me. I continued staring at the blank wall. But it was so much more than that. I felt so numb.

"Susannah" he asked.

I didn't move. Or anything at all. I just continued talking. "I mean, I don't think it was my fault. I didn't think I did anything wrong. Do you" I finally turned to look at Father D.

"Susannah. Jesse's here."

I continued. "I don't think it was my fault. I just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I really haven't done anything wrong. It I really caused this myself, then did I ask for _this_"

_**Jesse's POV**_

I didn't want to hurt Susannah so much. I never thought that I would do this to her. I've never seen her so numb and expressionless. I didn't expect her to take her anger out this way. She's bottled it all up inside. I didn't want it to be like that.

She's so far away; it was impossible to reach her now. She just keeps on talking, like she was chanting. No emotion at all. She just stared at the wall. I just wanted to reach out to her, and talk to her. But I couldn't even do _that_.

_I took for granted,_

_all the times_

_That I thought would last somehow._

_I heard the laughter,_

_I tasted the tears,_

_but I can't get near you now._

_Oh can't you see it baby,_

_you got me going crazy._

_Wherever you go,_

_whatever you do,_

_I will be right here waiting for you._

_Whatever it takes,_

_or how my heart brakes,_

_I will be right here waiting for you . . ._

I listened closely.

"I thought he cared. I just didn't want it to happen that way. Sometimes I think that I'm not good enough for this anymore. I just want to fade away. It could almost happen. If I even tried to. Maybe I did bring this on myself"

The scenery suddenly changed around us. We were at the beach.

She was so far away in the sand; I stood there watching her. Like I always have been. I could still hear her talk. The waves crashed against her foot. She just stood there, not moving.

"Sometime, if I had a chance to change this, would I? I don't think I will. But if I did, the only thing I would change about this is me."

I was trapped in her voice. A tidal wave rose up. But she just still stood there.

I could hear her mind, screaming out. But her face was expressionless. She continued to talk. I couldn't move. I was trapped in her memory. In her thoughts.

The wave rose in her face. She stared at it, not blinking. Still talking.

I screamed. She couldn't hear anything. I pounded against her voice. She didn't blink.

One last time I saw her. The last time. Her face finally softened with the wave. She slowly turned her head to look at me. Her lips weren't moving, but I could still hear her talking. She finally showed emotion. A single drop of tear rolled down her cheek.

The wave crashed to shore. And it melted her with it. It took her away. I could hear her heart pounding with mine.

It was in a single beat together. But she wasn't there. I could feel myself losing grip. But I never had a grip. Nobody could ever own her.

Thump. It beated. Still beating. Nobody there.

Thump.

_. . . Whatever it takes,_

_or how my heart brakes,_

_I will be right here . . ._

And it stopped.

_waiting for you_


End file.
